Wresting with God part 2

I’m not sure what to do. I had a massive crisis of faith before Shabbat due to a lot of things and there was a nail in the coffin but the specific events of that don’t really matter. Because the deeper problem is that I have many moral hang ups with the Torah. When I believe it’s divine, I can kinda cognitive dissonance the moral hang ups away by saying God is not fully understandable and if God says something, it must be right even if my conscience screams no. But this is a bandaid over the wound, and it broke before Shabbat. Weirdly, I’m having almost a spiritual moment in my crisis of faith. I’ve started researching common threads of different religions and seeing what is common in religions and applying my conscience to try to write myself a moral code that reflects my conscience in light of the diversity of religions and common threads.

Here’s what I have so far.

“Whether you believe in one God, many, or none, act with unity of purpose in service of our shared humanity.”

“Learn from your neighbor what you can best assume your Creator, who loves you both, would have you do unto them, then do it.”

“Love your neighbor as one who loves themself, and love yourself as one who loves their neighbor.”

“Love your neighbors as equals, so that yourself and them are one, without sacrificing your or their uniqueness.”

“Everyone is your neighbor, across difference and without borders.”

“The world is our family, and it is beholden upon us to fix dysfunctional family dynamics within it.”

“There is one God, and God is all. It is beholden upon us to fix the world until it reveals that openly.”

“Do not hoard wealth. Give freely, but keep yourself afloat as well. Do not destroy yourself for another’s benefit. Put on your own mask, so that you can help others.”

“Manage your responses to violence in a way that respects the humanity of others and yourself. Never be cruel.”

“Cultivate the earth sustainably with respect for all creations.”

“Be open to hidden beauty. Do not underestimate the power of kindness.”

“Guard the ramifications of your actions. Be kind to others, and be open to kindnesses. Sometimes one kindness can beget many.”

“Unify with love. Even the smallest light can brighten the greatest darkness.”

“Seek deep inner and outer peace, and pursue it. Never delight in violence.”

“The Source of all is Good, and True, and within us all. We only must look.”

“Know your strengths, and use them for good. Know your weaknesses, and curtail them. Pursue growth, but do not become haughty. When we avoid seeing our faults, we criticize in hypocrisy. When we avoid seeing our strengths, we diminish ourselves.”

“Do not replicate cycles of abuse within families. Stop cycles of violence. Protect the vulnerable. Repay kindness when shown by parents, and do not repay violence to future generations even when it was shown to you.”

“Judge only when necessary, with fairness, insight, and empathy, and show mercy whenever possible. Let mercy always win over anger and revenge.”

“Hate can only be diminished by more love in the world. Repay hate by refusing to diminish our shared humanity, by refusing to become like those who have harmed you.”

“Try, without expecting perfection from yourself, but take your moral growth and the moral growth of the world seriously. The collective stakes for losing humanity’s battle with itself are high. Individually, you are not obligated to complete the work but nor are you free to abandon it. Collectively, we can move mountains. One light can inspire many. We can only succeed together.  Your mistakes do not define you as long as you keep trying. Do not give into hopelessness.”

“Wisdom can imbue meaning even in misfortune, and a lack can deprive meaning from even the greatest wealth. Wisdom allows seeing the greater picture, with even a glimpse.”

“A person needs more than worldly sustenance, but even in worldly sustenance can be found meaning.”

“Remember: we all err. Do not use this fact as excuse or self-punishment, but as a tool for compassion. Forgive when possible, and make amends just as fiercely. A sincere apology may heal deeply. Expecting forgiveness without making amends is further harm.”

“Guard your speech, and veer away from lies, unkindness, slander, gossip, and most of all, cruelty. Believe in the power of the truth and sincerity.”

“Our commonalities ascend beyond our differences. How we treat others is the greatest mark of our success or failure. If we let our beliefs justify harm, our beliefs are for nothing.”

“When we make hasty decisions in anger, or give into vengeance, we risk perpetuating cycles of violence that we may come to regret. Emotions cannot be prevented, but our actions define what they mean.”

“A law that causes us to forget our neighbor’s humanity would be better off forgotten. Holiness can be found in law, ritual, and belief systems, but they shouldn’t inhibit our connection to our Creator and fellow human.”

“Enable future generations’ growth by fostering the personal growth and education of children with kindness, each according to their needs and unique strengths.”

“Experience may not always lead to wisdom, nor as lack of an experience a barrier to wisdom. All have something to teach us, regardless of age. Choose as mentors those who hold traits you wish to cultivate in yourself.”

“Learning is lifelong, and every person and experience has the potential of moving you toward greater wisdom and knowledge. However, be discerning of the company you keep, lest you be moved toward foolishness or cruelty.”

“There are as many ways to God as souls. We can help other souls to find their own path toward God, but we cannot force them to follow our own path to God. We each have our own individual journey.”

“Looking for God truly will bring us to one truth, no matter where we look for God: we are all One. When we truly believe that, God rejoices and comes to meet us.”

“The ends don’t justify the means.”

“God rejoices in our kindnesses toward others, cries when we make others suffer, and patiently awaits our return when we err.”

But anyways… I dunno. I’m having trouble with my Jewishness right now. I know halachically speaking, I am Jewish. But I don’t know if I care about that right now. And I kinda have an all or nothing approach to Judaism, because when I believe the Torah is completely divine, I feel obligated to follow it, and when I don’t, I don’t believe it’s really that special at all such that I can only see myself learning from it but not practicing a religion based on it.

Sorry for all that but does anyone have any advice